I have come to realize..

..that I am an idiot.

Ok maybe not a complete idiot, but close.

I have been battling some issues that I realized I have always had...but became much more clear to me that it IS an issue over the this past weekend.

For whatever reason, when I am in a situation where I either feel intimidated, or I am around others who are very confident of themselves (which is intimidiating) and the words they are speaking...I choose to not speak up. Especially if the topic of what they/he/she is discussing is something I am familiar with and could chime in with my two cents (and say something smart, maybe even actually brilliant) at any given time throughout conversation...I choose not to. Instead I keep quiet and pretend I have no thoughts on the matter, when infact I am bursting inside.
I'm wondering why I do this, and am coming to the conclusion that it must be that I am afraid of interrupting someone, or offending, or that possibly I am afraid of opening my mouth and saying something stupid, or sounding like a know-it-all, when I certainly do NOT know it all. I think it's a little bit of everything all wrapped into one.

I knew I always had this self inflicted handicap, but it became a deep realization that it's a serious problem when I was around a very dear friend of mine over the weekend. He is a brilliant scientist, and although we are great friends, I am scared to death of speaking out around him on topics we have become friends over....the paranormal and other mysteries.

He was discussing the old theories of ghost hunters, those that go back as far as the 1800's...and I sat silent, acting like I had no thoughts on the matter or even knew who these people were. After we parted...I was disappointed at myself for having such fear of speaking out. Truth of the matter is, I had written papers in my college days about the history of ghost hunting from 1800's to early 1900's, I knew who some of those people were he was talking about. I wanted to say "Oh yes! I wrote on that topic 15 years ago" and we probably could have had an intelligent conversation...but I sat silent and "dumb", afraid to to speak my thoughts. Although I have no fear of ghost hunting or coming up with my own theories in my brain...I can only put them down on paper, because I can't seem to speak outloud and openly on any theories I have....because I can't possibly have anything smart or worthy to say. There were so many times I really wanted to add my 2 cents out loud..but I didn't. Instead I just nodded my head and and said "oh, that's nice, that's interesting."

I do the same thing around horse people. I sit silent and dumb around those who know horses. They start in on training tips or advice, and I keep my mouth shut, even if I don't agree or have other views. You'd think I never owned a horse in my life. I can talk about horses with non-horse people...and I can talk paranormal with non-paranormal people (you have to to be able to talk and give your thoughts to your clients)....but when I am in the same group, I keep my mouth shut.

I remember 15 years ago when I was investigating the Joplin Spook Lights, and the hours upon endless hours I spent out there calculating and logging the weather, temperature changes, time of the night, on and on and on..and then running into another group of investigators who were also studying the phenomenon. They were in a white van and it was a group of them, they had their cameras set up and they looked so professional to me. I thought they must be real scientists with badges and things. At that time in my life I had no idea there were other groups out there doing what I was doing, because I thought paranormal investigators were true college educated people with a degree in ghost hunting and technology. I was wishing I could talk to them, but I already had it set in my brain that I was not good enough to approach them....that they were far and above my "intelligence". I had no college degree so i was not of their caliber to speak. Even though they were doing a lot of similar things that I was doing, they just looked much more technical doing it, and therefore I couldn't possibly have anything of interest to them, so I avoided them. That was the mentality I had. i just didn't know.

I saw them again another night...and I finally climbed out of my shell a bit and spoke to them, and come to find out, they were very interested in my findings. Next thing I knew, I had out my notebook, and we were comapring notes. Still though, I was too intimidated to speak much, because I had it figured that I had nothing of value to say out loud, they MUST already know anything *I* had to say.

So...to that group of 15 years ago on Spook Light Road in the white van...if you're out there...do you remember the shy, tall blonde gal in a crappy 4 door Sunbird?? Well, that was me. LOL!

This is no else's fault but my own, and no one in the world can come to my rescue and build up my confidence to pull me out of this silent shell I have enclosed around me. It is something I need to work on and do for myself. I need to stop being this shy little thing with no voice. I am not afraid of being corrected or critiqued, because I actually love that...I love to be shown new ideas and new ways of thinking, I love it when someone says "OK but how about you try it this way" or "Let's consider this as well"..I just can't think or imagine that *I* can possibly teach or show anyone else something new, especially old pro's, either paranormal "pro's" or horse "pro's" or ANYthing on that matter.

So, my new goal is try to overcome my fear of speaking out. I don't know if I can...but I am going to try. I do know I have trouble putting my thoughts into words, yet I can type all day and put down exactly what I mean on paper (or, ahem, screen).

So, there it is. My big fat issue! LOL!