Yesterday I, as I occasionally sometimes do, had little moments of doubts here and there throughout the day about where my life was going. I have discovered very deeply WHO I am and what I'm all about these past 4 years (mainly the past 2 and 3 but the previous leading up up to this path), some very, VERY significant synchronicities have come together just at the right time during this path to self discovery and I am VERY confident at who I am..so like I said it's not often I come to doubt myself but I occasionally do. I am human, and still a young'un yet..years before my wiser crone days. Years before the wolf who walks with me now, passes me off to the crow.
I have had many spiritual dreams over the past few years, "visits" as my witch and gypsy guides have told me, and "visions" as my native american aunt has told me. All the same, I have many roots that go in different directions, yet they all come together to form...well....ME. I have seen things appear before and around me andf in my dreams at just the right times when I have needed them. Positive and only rarely...negative forces. I can wash away the negatives very quickly, even when attacked suddenly...once being a very unexpected assault late one night (with my sleeping huisband next to me). I fought it off, yet 5 years ago, I would not have been experienced enough to fight these dark negatives off. I am getting better, and stronger, and wiser to see them before they attack. It's rare, but they happen.
When the negatives DO attack...if your "shields" are weak, you become a victim. Weak and weary, lost, confused, bitter, sad, hopeless, angry yet not knowing how to stand against the darkness, and falling...cowering into yourself. Sometimes you THINK you are strong....some people show off their strength with ignorance; Judgement, Belligerance, Curse words, Mockery, or the inabiltiy to understand. Some people hide behind someone else, or try to bring someone else into their lives (a new mate) to "protect" them. But what is all of that? That is a shield, yes, but just as NEGATIVE a shield as what is trying to penetrate you. None of that will help you fight off the negatives, or live a better life, or be viewed as a strong person who can hold their own if you fight back with fake, cowardly shields.
You have to go deeper. You CANNOT be afraid to look beyond the veil. It is there for you....you just have to connect to it. How? By grounding yourself. Centering yourself. You can't be centered if you're all out of whack on the inside. How do you do this? You have to ask yourself...How much negativity do you hold inside? Why? Do you live for the past or the future? I have met so many who dwell on the past, the hurt...the pain...the wrongful doings by another to them. And so many who dwell on the future....what they want, what they have to have....or that "perfect" someone who hasn't yet entered their life. Waiting for someone to come along to make THEM happy again. But why does someone else have to be responsible for making YOU happy? There's those empty and fake shields again.
Find beauty in simple things, to start. Ground yourself.
When you look at a horse in a field....do you SEE the horse? Or are you thinking what you're going to have for supper, or the laundry you still have to do that you've been putting off, or that purse you want to buy...or that person who made you angry yesterday....or the idiot infront of you at the grocery store who couldn't find their debit card and made YOU wait forEVER? Can you at all connect with that horse? Instead of thinking PAST the horse with your own thoughts...look at the horse and study it for what it is. Find the uniqueness and beauty in it, even if it's a skinny, raggedy ol' thing. Forget about the past, the future, look into the NOW. Connect with that horse, the RIGHT NOW of that horse. The white blaze that runs down its nose, its softness in the eye, that maybe it has made some children very happy in its life; study the horse's full contentment of being, despite the few nagging, biting flies. If you look at that horse and think "that must suck to be a horse", then you've released a negative thought against something so harmless and simple that you can't see infront of you, and are having trouble grounding yourself. You are all about yourself and wrapped up INTO yourself that there's no room for barely even you, let alone anybody else near you. How can there be room for anything (or anyone) else if you are not whole on the inside? Are you whole or are there holes?
Now I'm not saying go out and hug a tree....just learn to find the good in all things, the beauty. If it's a negative thing, learn to block it with shields you have built from knowing who you are...but don't meet it with cocky-ness, or beligerance, because that's just ugly. If it's something you immediately assume is negative because you don't understand it...understand it FIRST, then decide whether it's not for you. That too, is a shield. A shield of understanding, using a thought process instead of quick judgement, nodding at someone you don't agree with and refraining from a chain of cocky cusswords. Intelligence over ignorance gains respect, unless that ignorance is trying deeply to understand with a calm demeanor, and that beholds all my respect in the world. People who think they have to blow on a bullhorn to get attention or to get their opinion out..have something missing.
Energy. The next thing in being centered. Your energy circulates around everything you are....everything you are inside. Your energy radiates, and people can see and feel that. What kind of energy are you radiating? Is it positive, negative? Does it "must suck" to be that horse, or can you see that horse with a quiet inner and outer beauty about it? A beauty you can show someone else who may think "it must suck to be that horse"..?
Negative and dark forces...how do YOU deal with them? How CAN you deal with them? You can't unless you are comfortable in your own skin, with solid, whole shields of understanding and balance. Sometimes you need guidance by someone with patience, so you can be TAUGHT how to develop your shields (as I myself have needed guides these past few years, and still need to be guided), and that is good, but don't RELY on someone else to go deeper FOR you, they can only guide, you have to do the digging and rooting all on your own.
Like I said, I sometimes even fall a little when I have a negative force I am dealing with. A little hole pops through my shield that I thought was so strong from balancing myself these past years, but there it is...the hole. The negative force seeps in with a sinister cackle. I was a bit down in the dumps yesterday.
At one point yesterday..aside from my issues... a friend of mine mentioned having a dream with animal ghosts in it, and that she had thought of me. I giggled a little...and mentioned to her it may have been her spirit guides from her animal totem paying her a visit. They will do that sometimes, when you need them (even if you may not think you do, they know just when to come). I told her to put a little mugwort under her pillow, as mugwort helps dreams reveal themselves a bit better.
Last night before bed, I was stewing over the negative force seeping through my shield, and my main issue was that if I was really a good mom or not, and if other moms are more "hip" and "cooler" than me that my kids would be more drawn to that (I am, as you know, part Amish, lol!! <~~kidding). My views are old fashioned, but not totally uncool. But also while I am showing my kids how to see a goat for what it is or how to gather an egg out from under a cantankerous broody hen without getting pecked, other moms are at the mall buying their kids the latest fashions and in line to buy the newest Wii game that just came out. Then I worry...will my kids grow up wishing I was like the other moms? Should I become hipper, and cooler? I wear prairie skirts, holey jeans, and own one pair of boots. I spend my days gathering beans from the garden, separating bickering roosters, reading up on new recipes for soaps and bread. How cool is that...I mean really?
And, as it usually happens, I unintentionally called on the "guides", or my archetypes. One of those is Tasha Tudor, who came to me in dream last night. We made salsa together. We walked through the garden together, picking tomatoes and hot peppers off the vines, and she didn't speak a single word. I didn't either. We gathered the vegetables in a bucket and brought them inside, and in her kitchen, on her butcher block, we sliced up all of the onions, peppers, peeled and crushed tomatoes. Tasha reached up into her hanging herbs and pinched off cilantro. What is salsa without cilantro?
I studied her hands, old and wrinkled and calloused, yet so wise and steady. They worked with confidence, never missing a beat. She knew exactly what she was doing. After awhile, she stood aside, and merely pointed at me to finish the task of combining all the ingredients together. I was nervous, she was watching me....I was unconfident in my ability to add just enough this or that. Would she see my flaws? Would she judge me if I added too many peppers or not enough? But after awhile, as I studied the way she guided me, with a pleasant face and non judgemental energy..I relaxed, and felt more at ease. The more I relaxed, the smoother my hands became. I stopped being a fumbled nervous mess, but realized Tasha was seeing me through something that was really not a big deal, it's just salsa. Salsa is what you make it. It's what YOU make it. I began to taste here and there....yes, more cilantro. Another pepper or too for a bit more heat, but not too much. A little more lime I think.
The salsa turned out beautifully in the end, but even though it seemed right the moment I finished it...salsa is better when left to sit overnight or longer. All the ingredients need to intermingle and rest with each other for awhile, Get used to each other. They're all different things suddenly thrown together, so they need time, and the flavors will be amazing.
Tasha was not making salsa with me....she was teaching me a lesson that I needed very much, at that very moment. She came to me when I needed her, as she has in the past, as has other visits from other things (animals, etc). She spoke not a word...because it was for ME to figure out. She guided me, but I guided me as well.
Those are things you can't see...if or are one to think "it must suck to be that horse", then you can't let anything else in to help guide you, if you can't see the beauty or connection of things, you have blocked the guides that can help you build your shields of knowledge.
When I woke up this morning, my foot shifted and felt something on the bed. I sat up and looked, and at the foot of my bed was a baggie of mugwort. I had set it out yesterday and forgot I had left it on the bed. LOL!!
Anyway, my lesson from Tasha was too see myself for the now, what I am teaching my children, who I am. I am not a hip mom with all the latest gadgets and celeb gossip, and that's ok. They will see me for what I taught them, even if it's not until their 30's. Right now I'm just an uncool mom, lol, and I am SO ok with that. I cannot allow negativity to penetrate my shields, or if it does even a little...I know how to repair it quickly.